A Woman of Faith

A few months ago, I stumbled across a blog, Perspective on Life According to Kent.  The blog's author is Kent Tuttle, a runner-up to be The Mormon Bachelor, and a super faithful and productive individual and member of the LDS church.  I don't check his blog very often, but every time I do, I find so many amazing things that I felt like he wrote just for me.  I was reading an entry he posted a little bit ago, called A Man of Faith.  I've been following Kent ever since he started dating a wonderful little-lady who I follow on Youtube.  I was sad to read that they are now no longer dating.  They seemed so perfect for each other (based on what I can deduce from observing a relationship through Twitter and Instagram pictures).As always, Kent never fails to write from his heart.  He wrote:

I was blessed immediately at that time to fall in love with a beautiful woman who has a beautiful heart and who I care deeply about. Yet once again the perfect 3-D structure has failed to come together just right at this time.  For whatever combination of reasons whether me, her or God’s timing it just hasn’t worked out as planned.

At this moment I have a choice…I can decide to do what I have done once before and become bitter and discouraged and give up hope or I can choose to be a man of faith. I have no idea what the Lord has in store for me but I do know that I will waste no time in trying to put extra effort and exhaustion into something that does not seem to be working right now. I can’t force anything, especially love. I also have no control over the agency of another person and how they choose to act.

I cannot even express how this speaks to me.

Nearly five months ago, I was baptized into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  Nearly six months ago, I was engaged to a man.  It was the most difficult thing I've ever had to do, to end the relationship with the only man I've ever loved.  It took a lot of reflection and deep prayer to come to the decision to end it.

He was very against me, or him, joining the Church, and that's fine.  The Church isn't for everyone, and I accept that about my ex-fiance, about anyone.  

I'd be lying if I didn't have faith through revelation of the Holy Ghost that there is a man out there who is better for me.  I'd also be lying if being alone didn't agonize me every gosh-darn day.  After I became single, for a while, I relished it.  I could do whatever I wanted to, when I wanted to.  What freedom.  I had no one to answer to, no one keeping tabs on me.  No plans to make with anyone unless I wanted to.  No obligations towards anyone.  It was liberating, but it soon wore off.  I missed being about to tell someone everything and anything.  I missed that closeness to someone else.  

My ex-fiance and I, for the most part, had a great relationship for the most part.  While I never regretted or second guessed my decision, I wondered if I would find another man out there who I would connect with the way I had with him.  I constantly receive comfort from the Holy Ghost that I will.

What Kent was talking about resonates.  I could also give in to the sadness and frustrations that come with the lack of relationship and have it turn me into a miserable and bitter person.  Everyday, I choose to be a woman of faith.  I have faith that Heavenly Father has a wonderful, perfectly-imperfect man in mind for me.  

Even as I let my heart open up again, it is inevitable that I will face disappointment.  As much as I don't want to admit it, my heart is still fragile.  I have always had a delicate heart when it comes to love.  When I develop feelings for someone, I don't take it lightly.  I've never understood people who can start dating someone, deem it unfruitful, and instantly move onto the next person.  I don't operate like that.  When I give myself and my heart, I give it one-hundred percent.

I have two qualities that work against me as far as relationships go: Hope and Optimism.  I am inherently a very optimistic person.  I have faith that each day is going to be great and I look for, and see, every small blessing in every situation.  What my biggest downfall is, however, is my hope.  I am such a hopeful person.  Everything is going wrong?  Nothing is going right?  My entire world is crashing down?  I will always remain hopeful that everything will make itself right again.

These two seemingly good attributes cause me to hold onto things well past their prime.  I like a guy, he tells me he's not interested... that's okay, there's always hope.  I'll just wait here as patiently as I can while every other guy passes me by.  It's okay, because who knows?  Your opinion of me, by some mighty chance, could change tomorrow.

I feel like, however, that Heavenly Father has given me these two qualities for a reason.  What that reason is for the future, I'm not currently sure, but I have a feeling that it will work out in my favor.

Everyday, I choose to be a woman of faith, the same way Kent chooses to be a man of faith.  Some days are easier than others, but what matters is that we try our best through constant communication with our Heavenly Father, asking for strength, guidance, courage, and clarity.

I know somewhere out there, there is a man who is waiting for me the same way I am waiting for him.  I will not compromise for anyone else until that time.  

Until that time, I will wait here, as patiently as I can.