Correcting Misconceptions

Love to teach people and correct misconceptions.  If I were a bit younger, I would totally serve a full time mission.  Regardless, I do all that I can to correctly inform, correct, and inspire people …

Attack!: React with Kindness and Understanding

When a guy you went to high school with posts something like this.  React with the pose and humility of the Savior...

... or try your darndest to, anyways.

My Heart is Broken and My Spirit is Contrite...

"Some choices have greater consequences than others. We make no greater voluntary choice in this life than the selection of a marriage partner. This decision can bring eternal happiness and joy. To find sublime fulfillment in marriage, both partners need to be fully committed to the marriage." James E. Faust, "Choices," Ensign, May 2004, 53

I am waiting for the moment when Heavenly Father's will and my will are one.

I am at the point in my life where I know what I want.  I've experienced a lot.  I know there are still some things I have yet to experience.  Scratch that, there are a lot of things I have yet to experience.

Right now, my heart is so heavy.  It legitimately takes a metaphorical crane to lift my tender emotions out of bed every morning.  I have to coo to my screaming heart each night as if its a newborn, inconsolable with some unknown ailment.

When I open my heart, I leave it wide open.  When someone doesn't accept this offering, it leaves me broken.  Shattered.  It leaves me feeling like half a person, unworthy of the recipient's love.  Silly girl, I am, thinking this would work.  That it could work.

Will it be like this forever?


There have been times when someone has asked me out, but I know it was wrong.  Then there have been times when I desperately, with every inch of my spirit, want something to work out with a boy, but Heavenly Father knew it was wrong.

What I'm waiting for is when what Heavenly Father wants for me and what I want for me are one.

"We will become of one heart and one mind as we individually place the Savior at the center of our lives and follow those He has commissioned to lead us."  D. Todd Christofferson, "Come to Zion," Ensign, Nov. 2008, 38

Will it ever happen?

I love love.  I always have.

When I like someone, it's not just a crush.  It's something big for me.  I love easily.  It comes naturally to me.  To want someone to take care of, to want someone to love me, to want someone to love.  Someone to share everything with.  I am so capable of loving someone so much, if only they'd give me the chance.

Maybe I'm too desperate for this.

Maybe I'm just a sucker for love.

I just know my heart is open to it.  So ready for it.  Ready for my next big adventure.

'Two individuals approaching the marriage altar must realize that to attain the happy marriage which they hope for they must know that marriage . . . means sacrifice, sharing, and even a reduction of some personal liberties. It means long, hard economizing. It means children who bring with them financial burdens, service burdens, care and worry burdens; but also it means the deepest and sweetest emotions of all' (Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Spencer W. Kimball [2006], 194).

A Woman of Faith

A few months ago, I stumbled across a blog, Perspective on Life According to Kent.  The blog's author is Kent Tuttle, a runner-up to be The Mormon Bachelor, and a super faithful and productive individual and member of the LDS church.  I don't check his blog very often, but every time I do, I find so many amazing things that I felt like he wrote just for me.  I was reading an entry he posted a little bit ago, called A Man of Faith.  I've been following Kent ever since he started dating a wonderful little-lady who I follow on Youtube.  I was sad to read that they are now no longer dating.  They seemed so perfect for each other (based on what I can deduce from observing a relationship through Twitter and Instagram pictures).As always, Kent never fails to write from his heart.  He wrote:

I was blessed immediately at that time to fall in love with a beautiful woman who has a beautiful heart and who I care deeply about. Yet once again the perfect 3-D structure has failed to come together just right at this time.  For whatever combination of reasons whether me, her or God’s timing it just hasn’t worked out as planned.

At this moment I have a choice…I can decide to do what I have done once before and become bitter and discouraged and give up hope or I can choose to be a man of faith. I have no idea what the Lord has in store for me but I do know that I will waste no time in trying to put extra effort and exhaustion into something that does not seem to be working right now. I can’t force anything, especially love. I also have no control over the agency of another person and how they choose to act.

I cannot even express how this speaks to me.

Nearly five months ago, I was baptized into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  Nearly six months ago, I was engaged to a man.  It was the most difficult thing I've ever had to do, to end the relationship with the only man I've ever loved.  It took a lot of reflection and deep prayer to come to the decision to end it.

He was very against me, or him, joining the Church, and that's fine.  The Church isn't for everyone, and I accept that about my ex-fiance, about anyone.  

I'd be lying if I didn't have faith through revelation of the Holy Ghost that there is a man out there who is better for me.  I'd also be lying if being alone didn't agonize me every gosh-darn day.  After I became single, for a while, I relished it.  I could do whatever I wanted to, when I wanted to.  What freedom.  I had no one to answer to, no one keeping tabs on me.  No plans to make with anyone unless I wanted to.  No obligations towards anyone.  It was liberating, but it soon wore off.  I missed being about to tell someone everything and anything.  I missed that closeness to someone else.  

My ex-fiance and I, for the most part, had a great relationship for the most part.  While I never regretted or second guessed my decision, I wondered if I would find another man out there who I would connect with the way I had with him.  I constantly receive comfort from the Holy Ghost that I will.

What Kent was talking about resonates.  I could also give in to the sadness and frustrations that come with the lack of relationship and have it turn me into a miserable and bitter person.  Everyday, I choose to be a woman of faith.  I have faith that Heavenly Father has a wonderful, perfectly-imperfect man in mind for me.  

Even as I let my heart open up again, it is inevitable that I will face disappointment.  As much as I don't want to admit it, my heart is still fragile.  I have always had a delicate heart when it comes to love.  When I develop feelings for someone, I don't take it lightly.  I've never understood people who can start dating someone, deem it unfruitful, and instantly move onto the next person.  I don't operate like that.  When I give myself and my heart, I give it one-hundred percent.

I have two qualities that work against me as far as relationships go: Hope and Optimism.  I am inherently a very optimistic person.  I have faith that each day is going to be great and I look for, and see, every small blessing in every situation.  What my biggest downfall is, however, is my hope.  I am such a hopeful person.  Everything is going wrong?  Nothing is going right?  My entire world is crashing down?  I will always remain hopeful that everything will make itself right again.

These two seemingly good attributes cause me to hold onto things well past their prime.  I like a guy, he tells me he's not interested... that's okay, there's always hope.  I'll just wait here as patiently as I can while every other guy passes me by.  It's okay, because who knows?  Your opinion of me, by some mighty chance, could change tomorrow.

I feel like, however, that Heavenly Father has given me these two qualities for a reason.  What that reason is for the future, I'm not currently sure, but I have a feeling that it will work out in my favor.

Everyday, I choose to be a woman of faith, the same way Kent chooses to be a man of faith.  Some days are easier than others, but what matters is that we try our best through constant communication with our Heavenly Father, asking for strength, guidance, courage, and clarity.

I know somewhere out there, there is a man who is waiting for me the same way I am waiting for him.  I will not compromise for anyone else until that time.  

Until that time, I will wait here, as patiently as I can.

The Weekend of October 12th - 14th

So excited for Temple Conference this weekend!  I've never been to Temple Conference before, so I am super stoked!  I won't be able to attend all of it (most of it, including the uber cool part where there is a dance at night, I will miss due to prior obligations with the fam), but I'm still so excited for it!

This weekend is jam-packed.  Friday is my mom's birthday so it's going to be an awesome fun-filled family day.  We're going to go to a ginormous corn maze where there will be apple picking and pumpkin and cider and general awesomeness.  I'm going to try to get my sisters and my mom do some kind of challenges in the maze to keep it interesting, like who can get out first?, or a game of tag in the maze sounds like so much fun.  I'm going to bring my camera and camcorder.  We're going to come home after that and carve pumpkins and drink hot cocoa and do awesome stuff like that.

Saturday is Temple Conference.  I have to get up so early because Temple Conference starts at nine in the morning and the temple is about two hours away.  I'm meeting up with some other people from YSA and caravan-ing with them up there.

It might sound lame, but I've already decided what I'm going to wear.  I mean, a whole slew of other YSAs from the area are going to be there, and since things don't seem to be working out with the guy I'm interested it, it doesn't mean I can't look good and keep my options open.  In all honesty though, my heart is still attached to this boy who doesn't seem interested in me.  Ah, me.

I'm going to leave Temple Conference around two in the afternoon, just after lunch, and drive back home just in time to see a comedy show with my sisters that we planned five months ago.  Super excited!  That will be another two hour drive.  Then another two hour drive back home.  Yeah, eight hours of driving in one day.

Sunday brings four hours of church from nine in the morning to one in the afternoon.  While I normally then go to YSA dinner on Sunday nights, we're having a dinner at my brother-in-law's house for my mom's birthday (the family's famous spaghetti and meatballs).  I know we're meeting up at three in the afternoon for dinner, so maybe if we're done by six-thirty or seven, I'll pop by the YSA dinner.

Anyway, that's what this weekend is going to be like.  Busy-ness.

How Can I Be More Like Nephi?

Here is another paper I wrote for my church class.  I'm not sure if anyone really wants to read it, or if anyone reads this blog at all.  At least it will be here for posterity ... here it is ...

While I still haven’t read a great deal of the Book of Mormon (I’m only up to 2 Nephi 25), it’s not hard to tell who is good and who is bad. By far, the most faithful and loyal person so far is Nephi. He’s faced tremendous hardship in so many different ways. He’s had to flee his homeland and all of his possessions, he is often the one that pulls his family out of their ‘murmering’ and sinful ways, he has to constantly try to keep his older brothers in check, and he has to always defend himself, whether it be in the wilderness or from his own family.

On of the things I admire most about Nephi, that I find I can work on most myself, is his amazing ability for follow the promptings of the Spirit. The best example of this, I believe, is when the Lord commands Nephi to build a ship that will take him and his family to the Americas (1 Nephi 17:7-11). He trusted the Lord to show him exactly how to build the ship and where to find the tools and ore to make it. Even when his family murmured against him (1 Nephi 17:17-22), saying terrible things, Nephi never lost his faith. He told them, “Do ye believe that our fathers, who were the children of Israel, would have been led away out of the hands of the Egyptians if they had not hearkened unto the words of the Lord?” (1 Nephi 17:23). By saying this, he is trying to help his brothers realize how a simple prompting from the Spirit, no matter how difficult or daunting it may seem, if only followed, can lead to unimaginably great things.

Nephi is a perfect example of having complete belief and trust in the Holy Ghost and the promptings received. This is one of Nephi’s qualities that I feel like I could best apply to my life. While researching the importance of following the promptings of the Holy Ghost, I came across a talk by President Boyd K. Packer, who referenced Nephi and his testimony of the Spirit. He said: “Perhaps the single greatest thing I learned from reading the Book of Mormon is that the voice of the Spirit comes as a feeling rather than a sound. You will learn, as I have learned, to “listen” for that voice that is felt rather than heard.

“Nephi scolded his older brothers, saying, “Ye have seen an angel, and he spake unto you; yea, ye have heard his voice from time to time; and he hath spoken unto you in a still small voice, but ye were past feeling, that ye could not feel his words” (1 Nephi 17:45). President Packer continues, “The gift of the Holy Ghost, if you consent, will guide and protect you and even correct your actions. It is a spiritual voice that comes into the mind as a thought or a feeling put into your heart... I promise that you will be protected and shielded from the attacks of the adversary if you will heed the promptings that come from the Holy Spirit” (President Boyd K. Packer, Counsel to Youth, General Conference, October 2011).

Every time I pray to Heavenly Father, whether I like it or not, I receive a prompting, a feeling, from the Holy Ghost. This is the greatest blessing I have received by joining the true church. Before, I would pray, and I would get up off my knees and think, Well, there it is. I left my message on the heavenly voicemail box. Hope God finds the time to listen to it. Now, if I don’t receive an answer right away, I just give it time. I know it will come. I’ve been receiving many revelations recently in dreams which is an amazing, and probably my favorite, way for the Spirit to communicate with me.

Even though I recognize these promptings, sometimes it is difficult to listen. We are all Heavenly Father’s children. As a friend once told me, we are ‘children of eternity.’ We are so young when you think about all the progress we still have left to uncover, in this life and the next. Sometimes, even when we receive answers to our prayers and questions, it’s not the answers we want to here, the same way children whine and complain when we tell them they cannot have a candy bar. They don’t understand that it’s bad for their teeth, or it will keep them up all night, or their parents can’t afford it, or the countless other reasons why they might not be able to have that candy bar. Even though we might try to reason with them, sometimes children get even more boisterous and loud and frantic, demanding they get what they want... NOW! Just as children don’t understand why they can’t immediately have what they want, sometimes, even as adults, we want something different then what Heavenly Father is trying to tell us.

Last weekend, I was upset. I had been praying and praying to our Father in Heaven about an internal conflict I was having. I ignored the initial promptings I received to just let it go, to not pursue this particular cause anymore. I always think of when Joseph Smith was translating the Gold Plates and when Martin Harris asked to see them. Joseph Smith prayed, asking Heavenly Father if he should let Martin Harris see the Gold Plates, and the answer was no. Eventually, Martin Harris had Joseph Smith ask the Lord so many times that Heavenly Father eventually gave in and said it was all right to let Martin Harris see the Plates. I always think, Maybe if I’m persistent enough with my prayers for my noble and worthwhile desires, God will eventually cave like He did with Martin Harris. For some reason, this gives me the thought that if I nag Heavenly Father enough, maybe I can get what I want (please see above mentioned candy bar metaphor and why this strange tactic of mine will probably never work).

So, back to this issue I had been praying about. I finally received what I feel like was final, clear-cut answer to what had been plaguing me ... and it was not the answer I had been hoping for. Now, instead of praying to Heavenly Father for something, I was praying to Him asking for forgiveness. “Heavenly Father, I’m such a silly girl, holding onto this thin strand of hope for so long.”

Then, in my mind, clear as day, I heard, “Daughter, this is one of the qualities I love most about you. Your strong hopefulness and your optimism. Don’t let that go. It is such a rarity.”

“But I’m just so unhappy right now,” I mouthed silently.  

“I will not leave you unhappy,” was the answer I received.

Even when we do not follow the promptings of the spirit, Heavenly Father knows beforehand that we won’t. He understands our wants and our hurts and everything in between. If I had followed the promptings of the Holy Ghost on this particular issue, I don’t think I would have learned this important lesson: the promptings from the Spirit are true. They are messages from Heavenly Father, guiding us to live virtuously and humbly so that we might keep our covenants and live a life that is Christ-like and full of happiness.

From now on, I’ll try better to follow the promptings I receive through the Holy Ghost. It’s all a learning curve and I know it might take a while, but everyday I will strive to be a little bit better and better.

Lehi's Dream

This is a paper I had to write for a church class.  I'm kind of proud of it.  I spent a lot of time and thought on it, so I thought I'd post it here.  It's about a story from the Book of Mormon.  The paper was about how I am trying to progress to the Tree of Life ... please read, if you'd like ...

Lehi’s Dream, or Vision, has a lot of meaning to me. I remember it was my second meeting with the missionaries since I had set a baptism date. I had been cleaning the house and listening to the Book of Mormon on my iPod as I did so, preparing to have some scriptures to talk about for when they arrived. I remember not paying too much attention to what I was listening to because I was doing other things, except I knew there was a tree with fruit and there were two boys who didn’t eat from the tree. So, I sat down and started to read it so I could understand it better. What resulted was 1 Nephi 8 through 1 Nephi 11 turning into a rainbow of different highlighter colors, notes and observations crowding each other and written in the size of crumbs in the margins, and post-in notes stuck onto the beginning of each chapter with questions about what all of this meant.

I feel like the definition of Lehi’s dream was my first real lesson I received from my missionaries, and it remains my favorite story in the Book of Mormon.

In Lehi’s dream, after he had walked in the darkness with a man in white for many hours, he was shown a marvelous tree with white fruit that tasted “sweet, above all that I had ever before tasted,” (1 Nephi 8:11) and that “it was desirable above all other fruit” (1 Nephi 8:12). Lehi wanted to share this with his family and all of his family came when beckoned, except for his two oldest sons Laman and Lemuel. Lehi encounters other things in his dream, such as “a river of water” that was “led by the head of a fountain” (1 Nephi 8:13), “a rod of iron” (1 Nephi 8:19), “a strait and narrow path” (1 Nephi 8:20), “a mist of darkness” (1 Nephi 8:23), and “a great and spacious building” full of people who’s “manner of dress was exceedingly fine; and they were in the attitude of mocking" (1 Nephi 8:26). All of these things he could see from the tree with the fruit, or the tree of life. Lehi also experienced “numberless concourses of people” (1 Nephi 8:21) who were trying to get to the tree of life. Some lost their way through the mist, some fell into the fountainhead, some were simply lost from his view in the darkened mist, and many entered the great and spacious building.  But some held onto the iron rod and made it to the tree of life.

However, just because some people made it to the tree of life, didn’t mean they stayed there. Some tasted the fruit but then even “after they had tasted of the fruit they were ashamed, because of those that were scoffing at them; and they fell away into forbidden paths and were lost” (1 Nephi 8:28).

At the end of 1 Nephi 8, I understood that I had read something very symbolic and important, but I still was a bit unsure as to what I had just read. What did all of these things represent?

When my missionaries came over, they explained it all to me while we read the scriptures together. If I had just read a few chapters more to 1 Nephi 11 and 12 then it all would have been revealed to me. Nephi desires to understand all it was that his father saw and “was caught away in the spirit of the Lord” (1 Nephi 11:1) and shown what it all meant.

The tree of life with the fruit represented the “love of God ... it is the most desirable of all things” (1 Nephi 11:22) and “the most joyous to the soul” (1 Nephi 11:23). The rod of iron represented “the word of God, which lead to ... the tree of life, a representation of the love of God” (1 Nephi 11:25). The great and spacious building represented “the pride of the world” (1 Nephi 11:36). The darkened mist was “the temptations of the devil” (1 Nephi 12:17).

All of those who feel victim to the spacious building, the filthy waters, or the darkened mist, fell away from the love and the word of Heavenly Father. Even those who partook of the fruit and ended up turning away from the tree of life after the mocking from the people in the building must not have immersed themselves enough in the Lord’s love and word to be so easily ashamed.

I am progressing towards the tree of life in many ways, and yet, there is still so much more I can do. The biggest step I’ve done to get closer to Heavenly Father is accept the gospel in my life one-hundred percent. Being baptized into the true church has given me more blessings that I think I even realize. I had prepared myself even before I set my baptism date. I gave up coffee and tea per the Word of Wisdom, I had stopped drinking alcohol many months prior, I prayed to Heavenly Father often, and I rid myself of the things in my life that were holding me back and causing negativity.

Still, after I was baptized, there was a struggle. I was always so tired to get up in the morning for church. I just wasn’t used to it. I hadn’t been to any kind of weekly organized church gathering since I was twelve. I slept through church a lot. I would give tons of excuses to those who asked where I’ve been. “Oh, I work really late and don’t get to sleep until four in the morning so I’m just so tired when ten a.m. rolls around.” It was the truth, but it wasn’t a good excuse. Finally, one of the brothers from my church sat down with me, and in a very polite and kind way, he more or less said, “Hey, Julie, seriously, you need to get to church more often.” And that little bit of honesty has made all the difference. I didn’t want to disappoint my friends who are church members, but more importantly, I didn’t want to disappoint Heavenly Father and I know he is happy when I go to church every Sunday. I am also happier if I go to church on Sunday.

Another thing that I did often before my baptism that I slacked with a bit was reading scriptures daily. After the initial excitement of my baptism wore off, I just stopped reading as often. I’m not sure why. It got to the point where I would go weeks without reading. But when the brother from my ward talked to me about coming to church more often, I realized so many things needed to change. I need to read scriptures every day, even if it’s just a few verses. I need to observe fast sunday with more reverence. I need to be more diligent with paying my tithing. These are all things that I feel like are a learning curve for converts to the church. I’ve never been held responsible, even when I was in the Catholic church, by anyone to uphold the covenants I made with my Heavenly Father, and even if I did something that went against them, the priest would tell me, “Say five Hail Mary’s and two Our Father’s, and you’re all set.” That didn’t seem like repentance to me.

Even now, today, as I write this, I feel my connection with Heavenly Father is the strongest it’s ever been, but I feel as though He is testing my resolve and my patience lately. I feel with all my heart that I can cross the bridge between wanting noble and worthy causes and obtaining noble and worthy causes by doing my best with fasting, prayer, devotion, and tithing. I’ve seen life work in my favor when I do these things.

I feel like I am moving closing to the tree of life, or at least I am trying my best to not get lost in the mist, drown in the river, or succumb to the great a spacious building. I do my best everyday, and I feel like the virtuous efforts help me in so many different ways. I hold fast to the iron rod because I know it is my salvation and the true way to happiness.